Thinking Positive
What we model our children will emulate. We can consider this when we think about how we use the word NO. It’s commonly thought that a toddler loves the word “no” once discovering it, and it’s true that it is a word that holds a lot of power. With that in mind, avoiding the use of the word NO whenever possible gives it much more power in situations where we really need to use it - like in emergencies, a need for immediate listening, and when there is no other option.
This doesn’t mean that we are permissive or that our toddlers get whatever they want. On the contrary; we can still set strong limits, but using other means to set boundaries can help us and our children learn to think differently.
I am careful when I use NO because the word itself is often a trigger for experimentation for a child. They want to know WHY I said NO. It can become tiring for us when we set a limit because we find ourselves saying no to the same thing over and over and we think, “I have said this a thousand times! Why won’t my child stop this behavior?!”
It is partly because toddlers lack impulse control, so even if they want to comply they are often developmentally unable to control their bodies the way we can. They have such a strong desire to try something out that they are actually unable to stop themselves (this is what Dr. Montessori referred to as Hormé). They also repeat undesirable behaviors because toddlers are excellent scientists! If we tell them NO, they still want to do the thing, and now they also want to repeat the experiment to know what our next reaction will be when they do it again.
Therefore, if I say NO, I can expect that boundary to be tested again and again. In this way, I find it much easier whenever possible to wait, watch, and trust the exploration.
Taking a PAUSE
Waiting and watching requires observation, and this opportunity often presents itself around things like making messes. If my child is playing with the pool of spaghetti sauce on the table, is it because…
They are done eating and they are ready to play?
They are watching to see how I will respond?
They are having a valuable sensory experience with the texture, consistency, and smell of the sauce?
Can you think through the benefits and drawbacks of intervening vs. allowing it to go on for each scenario you encounter? Sometimes it is okay to stop the experiment. Other times it is beneficial to let it happen.
As we think through how to respond, we must decide what our family values are when setting limits. What messages do we want to send to our children? In our home, we use the Montessori practice of respect for self, others, and the environment. That way, when our child is doing something and I am not sure if I want it to happen, I go back to the three limits and ask myself:
Are they being respectful towards their own body?
Are they being respectful towards others in the situation?
Are they being respectful of the materials in the environment?
In the case of the spaghetti sauce I might ask myself,
Even if they are not eating the sauce, are they learning something from working with it?
Does it matter if they’re learning something if I am tired and I don’t want one more mess to clean up? (Side note: parent self-care is a valuable consideration - always!)
Am I happy that they are engaged in an activity that they have thought up themself and I don’t have to be involved?
Can I let them finish and give them a wet rag to practice “cleaning” the table when they are finished, so that they learn the logical consequence of making a mess is cleaning it up?
What are my limits if I let it go on? (Ex. As long as it stays on the table, I can let it happen. If it starts splattering, I will set a boundary.)
I am thinking through the benefits and the drawbacks of intervening.
It is a lot to think about in the moment something is happening, but I DO ask myself these questions in so many moments. I find that the PAUSE required in asking these questions (in non-emergency and no-danger situations) often leads to the situation working itself out. Maybe after just a moment my child finishes working with the spaghetti sauce, says, “All done”, and asks for a wet rag to clean up. In that way, I haven’t had to intervene and the child has come to their own natural conclusion (from watching me do it so many times before).
Saying YES - Keeping our words in the affirmative
If I determine I need to stop a behavior, I generally avoid “NO” and “DON’T” as often as possible. If I say, “Don’t climb up there,” a child will mostly hear the verb, “CLIMB”.
Have you ever tried to learn a new language? When I was learning Spanish, I remember listening for the verbs because I could deduce meaning from them. I imagine this is similar to toddlers learning language for the first time. Also, they are toddlers! The more we focus on what we would like them to do, instead of what we DO NOT want them to do, the more we set them up for success.
Imagine you and I are taking a walk in an open field with a beautiful landscape to explore. In the distance there is a small path leading somewhere out of sight. You have been here before and you know that path leads to danger so you point out the path to me and say, “Whatever you do, don’t go that way!” Guess what? In your effort to protect me you have piqued my curiosity. I must know what is down there! I need to find out where it leads! This is human nature.
But if instead you pointed another direction and said, “Hey let’s explore over there,” I would agree easily and I probably wouldn’t even notice that tiny path.
Similarly, recall that when we tell our toddlers NO, they want to know WHY. This is how they figure out the world. If we can lead them towards positive experiences, we don’t need to put focus on the negative ones.
So if my child is trying to climb on the windowsill, instead of saying, “You are not allowed to climb on the windowsill!” I might say, “Please keep your feet on the floor.”
Or, if available, I would offer another option: “You want to move your body! Let’s go use your ladder and slide.” I want my children to think about the behavior I would like them to do, rather than have them think about the behavior I would not like them to do. Next time, when they have a need to climb, they have a positive memory of problem-solving to work with.
Examples of avoiding “NO” while setting a limit
Remember: when we reframe limits into positive alternative options, we are able to be more effective when we eventually do need to set a non-negotiable boundary.
The child is asking to be picked up
When a child asks to be picked up but I am unable to do so, instead of saying NO I might say, “I would love to pick you up! I can pick you up as soon as I am finished cleaning up our lunch. Would you like to read a book while you wait?”
The child is hitting/pinching/kicking/etc.
I worked with a toddler who started giving little pinches, especially when something was not going the way he had hoped. This is a common strategy for children when they have desires but do not yet have the language to otherwise express what they are feeling. One morning he did it when his mom left and I was holding him. He gave me a little pinch on my neck. That’s ok! He was mad! He wanted me to know! My goal is to help him learn to express those feelings in another way. But I never want to do that by shaming him for being upset. So when he pinched (and this can be generalized for any situations when someone is hurting someone else), I take these steps:
1.) Stop the behavior: I gently put my hand on the child’s hand and put a finger between their fingers (because - ouch - and we need to model self-care).
2.) Provide language: “Ouch! Pinching (/Hitting/Kicking) hurts. I can’t let you pinch.” I say these words with no emotion, judgment, blame, nor with any expectation that he should “know better.”
3.) Verbally recognize that the child is frustrated: I said to the child, “Saying goodbye is hard. You seem to be upset because your mom left. It’s hard to say goodbye to the people we love. I’m sorry you are sad/mad.”
I DO NOT focus on the action I don’t like. I say it once (step 1), and then I move on. I instead put the focus on what the child is trying to communicate. I want him to know that I understand he is having some big feelings. I want to provide language for him so that he can eventually learn another way to express himself.
Also, I will never force an apology. It makes the words “I’m sorry” meaningless for a child who doesn’t understand how to use them well.
If someone has gotten hurt I will check in with that person/animal first to make sure they are okay before this step. This will become relevant in situations where there are interactions with other children, or when the cat’s tail gets pulled, etc.
By following these steps, I have set a boundary without ever saying NO. If I had simply said, “NO PINCHING,”
• I would have skipped the part about how it impacts the person being pinched (“pinching hurts”- saying these words helps children start to see how their actions impact others and it builds empathy).
I would not have given the child language to help them understand their own feelings.
• I would have not shown them empathy, which I want to model first and foremost because what we model our children will emulate.
Tone of Voice
When I am setting a limit, I am not warning, not demanding, not unkind, not blaming, and not shaming. I try to be kind and use a neutral tone. We are generally conveying the message that these are the rules; I am here to provide guidance and help you learn them. While we do this, it is important for us to be in control of our emotions, since we are the support system for the child and they do not yet have such control for themselves. If we yell, shame, or get dramatically angry or afraid for effect, it can be confusing for them.
>>Side note: This does not mean I don’t get angry (actually I don’t usually get angry at work, but in real life parenting of course I do!). Being angry is another opportunity to show our children that negative emotions exist and we can still be in control of ourselves even if we have to scream and shout sometimes (just hopefully not at them!).<<
As an example of how to think about providing guidance: If my friend came to visit and wanted to learn how to make my famous chocolate truffles, I would invite them into the kitchen and show them how to make them. If they didn’t do a step exactly as I showed them on the first try, I would not give them a warning tone of voice or be disrespectful in any way. I would show them again. I would help them to understand in another way.
We are the teachers, gurus, and guides for our children. With words we are teaching our direct message, and with our actions we are modeling how to behave when we are unhappy or handling conflict.
If you find yourself wanting to say NO, you can ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is it an emergency? If it is, then say NO! Or whatever you need to say to make it stop, and fast!
2. Can I let it happen? If you have determined it is not an emergency, you have an opportunity for a pause. If the activity is not disrespectful to the self, others, or the environment (or whatever you decide your family values are), chances are you can let this experiment play out. Also, ask yourself a follow-up question – if I set a hard limit here, am I prepared to run through this scenario several more times as my child needs to experiment with the limit?
3. Can I find another way to say it? Can I expand on “NO” to be more clear about what my needs are in the situation, or can I leave the word out completely? Better yet, can I ask my child to do some thing else that will help them fill the need they are seeking?
Remember, avoiding “NO” doesn’t mean our children get whatever they want! I t means we are treating them with respect, care, empathy, and understanding while we set necessary limits.
Things to say instead of “NO”
• Try it this way, instead.
• Can I help you with that?
• Please wait.
• Waiting is hard.
• I can help you wait.
• I can help you as soon as I’m finished with ______.
• Let’s go this way today.
• I see you are interested in _______. We can explore that another day.
• I see you are interested in _______. Does that seem like a safe choice?
• Please keep your feet on the floor.
• Climbing up there seems unsafe. I am going to help you down.
• Are you asking for my attention?
• I see that you would like to read that book. Right now ___ is using that book. You would like a turn next.
• Please use gentle hands.
• You are not happy with me right now. You want to hit! I can’t let you hit me. Hitting hurts.
• You would like some chocolate. Mmm! Chocolate IS delicious. We can have some chocolate AFTER dinner.
You get the idea. These are some phrases I would use, but you can alter this in whatever way that is most natural for your speech. Also, when I realize I have said NO and I could have offered another option, I correct myself for the sake of practice and use the language I wish I had used in the first place.
Additionally, if I said no to something and then PAUSE and decide that it is actually ok, I can always change my mind. Children respect when we can be real with them. Parents are not expected to be omniscient, flawless people. After all, when we can gracefully admit we have made a mistake, we provide a beautiful model for our children to emulate.
When NO is necessary
Sometimes a hard NO is non-negotiable. I say it with a different tone, a serious, slightly lower inflection, and slightly raised volume (not yelling, but commanding attention). It is intentional, and it is a tone reserved for when listening to my direction is critical. When the child is safe, I offer an explanation.
• “NO...I can’t let you run into the street. Cars drive in the street and you will get hurt if you get hit by a car.”
• “NO…I won’t let you pull the dog’s tail. If you startle her or hurt her, she might get scared and bite you.”
• “NO…The stove is on. If you touch the burner you will get burned.”
You could see that for most of these I could hopefully take actions to prevent getting to this point. But sometimes our children move fast or we run out of options. When I use NO sparingly and with a simple explanation after the danger has passed, it builds trust. The child begins to learn that when I say no it is because I want to keep them safe and I have a good reason for setting a strong, meaningful limit.
A note about what our children internalize
I have heard it said that we become our children’s inner voice. With that in mind, you can imagine that when we show our children another option instead of saying no, they begin to think differently. In the future, instead of saying a hard no to us, they may give us options about what they are willing to compromise on. Instead of thinking about something they CAN’T do, they may start to focus on the things they CAN do. So this goes beyond us being agreeable parents and care providers. It is really about us having a deep respect for our children and their autonomy, and considering the long-term impact of our words and actions on these awesome kids.