Limit Setting with Pets
Helping your child gently through interactions with pets supports the development of empathy, self control, boundaries, and an early understanding of consent. (And helps everyone in the house feel more relaxed!)
This is an excerpt from an email in response to a family who were struggling with their toddler’s behavior toward their beloved cats. This child, P, was about 15 months old when this was coming up for them. Each individual child has a different understanding of their world and will develop different skills at different times. I had been working as their nanny and home environment consultant when I wrote this for them. I knew the child and family well at the time, which is why this post gets so specific. This post reflects what was happening for this family and this child in this moment. I hope it gives you an idea of the work we can do together to support your child and family through the toddler years.
Cats
P is very interested in the small, soft, fast moving creatures that he lives with. This will be a long relationship for him, so we want to help him build a loving, trusting relationship with the cats. That said, he’s a toddler, and there will be a bit of experimentation for him before he gets it right.
There are a few reasons P pulls the cats’ hair:
1.) A genuine interest in the cats. P wants to learn how to interact with the cats appropriately. He's pulling hair because he's excited and doesn’t know how else to touch the cats.
2.) Impulse control. P doesn't have a lot of it. His body is telling him, "I need to pull! I need to feel that physical resistance." When it’s apparent that P is only pulling hair to meet this need, it’s best to redirect P to something that he CAN pull. In this way we are teaching P that his desire (in this case for pulling) is not bad, but there is a more appropriate outlet for it. He will need to be reminded over and over again to redirect that urge. Our work is to help him kindly, and without judgment. (Even though it’s sad for us to see the cats having their hair pulled!)
3.) Testing limits. If P persists with following the cat around and pulling hair/rough touch, we must protect P and the cat. However, it’s important not to get emotional, because if P sees that we are annoyed or angry, he will do it even more! Toddlers are scientists, and they always want to know what the limit is. When we become emotional about something, it creates another element that P wants to explore.
Here are three steps we can take to help P establish a respectful relationship with the cats:
A. Anticipate appropriate behavior and give language around the desired behavior
When P approaches the cat I stay close. I try not to anticipate rough touch, but I'm quick to stop it when it comes. I model by petting the cat gently and I say things like,
“[Cat’s Name] likes to be touched gently,"
"Look how happy the cat is when we pet her softly,"
"Oh I think she likes open hand pets, yes, just like that,"
"Look how she holds still when we pet her gently," etc, in a calm, happy tone.
B. Offer an alternative
I might say to P, "I see that you want to pull. Pulling hair hurts. Let's go find your lug-a-jug if you want to do some pulling." I try to keep the tone light, non-judgmental, and non-emotional.
C. Set a boundary/Stop the behavior
I put a hand in between P’s hand and the cat's body and I say the following (simply, calmly, without judgment and without emotion):
"I won't let you pull the cat's hair.”
“Pulling hair hurts." Or,
"No thanks."
If P seems to get silly or is unable to stop, I would say, "I'm going to help you take a break." I would offer for P to sit in my lap and look at the cat, or I would remove the cat from the environment.
This strategy can be generalized to lots of things where P is learning appropriate boundaries, and you could see where similar language could be practiced. Here are more examples:
Hitting me in the face
A. Anticipate appropriate behavior, give language around the desired behavior
"Oh, do you want to touch my face? I love it when you touch me gently." I would hold his hand and rub it gently on my cheek - without judgment/emotion.
B. Offer an alternative
"If you want to hit, let's do a high-five instead." Or, "Can I please have a hug?" (Never forced, but given as an alternative.)
C. Set a boundary/Stop the behavior
If hitting the face continues- "Ouch, hitting hurts. I won't let you hit me." (I would help him off my lap, or move away from his range.)
Dumping cat food
A. Anticipate appropriate behavior, give language around the desired behavior
"That food is for the cats to eat. Can you help me put the food back into the bowls?”
B. Offer an alternative
"Are you interested in dumping? Let's go find your pasta for dumping."
C. Set a boundary/Stop the behavior
"I won't let you dump the cat food." Spoken with a hand in between P and the bowls, or temporarily putting the bowls out of sight/out of reach until he moves on to something else.
Pulling leaves off plants/throwing dirt
A. Anticipate appropriate behavior, give language around the desired behavior
"Let's touch the plant gently. Can you feel how smooth the leaves are?/Can you smell the dirt?"
B. Offer an alternative
"Oh no! I see some of the leaves came off the plant. The plant needs those leaves/that dirt to grow. It also needs water. Would you like to help me water the plant?"
C. Set a boundary/Stop the behavior
"I see you are having a hard time being gentle with the plant. I will help you move away." (And then help him move his body away from the plant.)
You will start to notice a change not only in P’s treatment of the cats, but also in your own mentality. Instead of being stressed every time P and one of the cats are in a shared space, with this exercise your thinking around it will start to change. You will begin to anticipate the appropriate behavior, thereby bringing your, the cat’s, and P’s stress down. Through your gentle response and guidance, P will grow to feel like a trusted member of the home community and will learn that you accept him in spite of his mistakes. Over time, as P gains more of a mastery over his muscles and impulses, and begins to internalize empathy, P will naturally learn to be more gentle. In the mean time, we can model the gentleness we would like to see, without any shame, blame, or guilt.
***A note to readers: I have removed the child’s name as well as the cat’s name for privacy, but for the sake of clarity, in the original email I used the cat’s name in place of “the cat,” in my conversation ideas for the child. I’m pointing this out because if you use this strategy, I think it’s important to address the cat by their specific name, rather than as a general term. It helps to individualize the cat, and make them part of the family, rather than as an object to be discussed.