Waiting and Watching
Stepping back to allow children to help with tasks around the house promotes autonomy and helps build self-confidence.
WAITING AND WATCHING: On helping promote independence in day-to-day tasks
As you read the following, remember that it takes toddlers 7-10 seconds to process our verbal requests before being able to act on them. So I learn a lot by trying stuff out - like asking if a child can bring the plate to the table - and then waiting to see what happens. Sometimes they can, and sometimes they need help along the way. Waiting and observing are the two parts to this work. I’m going to try to share how I use these tools.
WAITING
"My attitude has always been: wait, wait, wait." -Magda Gerber, founder of RIE
To get started, I make a request and observe the child's response. If they carry out my request easily, I offer another challenge. If they struggle, I slow down and wait.
Here’s an example:
Levi wanted to put a container of yogurt into the fridge. I could have taken the yogurt from him, opened the fridge, and put it in. He probably wouldn't have minded.
But I didn't do that. Instead, I opened the fridge and he reached inside with the yogurt. When he realized he couldn't reach the shelf to put the yogurt on it, we had to problem-solve and figure out how he was going to do it.
I waited for him to figure out that he needed a stool. He wasn't able to make that connection, so I helped him by suggesting a stool after a few moments.
I didn't show him where the stool was, even though I knew. I waited. He walked around the house to find one.
When he found it, he pointed to it. I didn't pick it up for him. I waited to see if he could carry it over. He could. He forgot where he was going and started carrying it off somewhere else so I gently redirected him. "Do you remember that you wanted to put the yogurt in the fridge?" And he remembered and went and set the stool up in the kitchen.
The stool wasn't close enough to the fridge. I saw it, but I waited and let him climb up and figure it out for himself. Then he knew something was off but couldn't figure out how to remedy it, so I suggested he move the stool closer to the fridge. He couldn't seem to make the connection of how to move the stool to better accommodate himself, so I offered to move it.
Then he got the yogurt and tried to climb onto the stool with yogurt in hand. I saw he was struggling to climb onto the stool with the yogurt in his hand. I waited and watched him attempt the same thing with now change several times before offering that he place the yogurt on the counter first, and then climb up onto the stool, and then retrieve the yogurt after climbing up.
Once he was on the stool and stable with yogurt in hand, he was finally able to put the yogurt on the shelf in the fridge. The whole process probably took about five minutes. I could've done it myself in about five seconds, and helped Levi go back to his toys to "play." But these are the opportunities to see where the work lies for the child.
I was able to move alongside Levi through this task and break it down into steps. The adult’s goal is to get the yogurt into the fridge. But the child’s goal is to have autonomy and to feel helpful in the home community. When we can break down each of the steps, even in a seemingly mundane task, we can see each place to stop and see what the child is capable of doing.
And what they are capable of today will be different than what they are capable of tomorrow. This depends on all kinds of factors: the amount of sleep they've had, current interest in the task at the time, how much energy they have given to tasks already today, any number of things.
WATCHING
“Observe more, do less. Do less, enjoy more.” - Magda Gerber
The observation piece comes in when we're trying to figure out when to step in. If a child is leaning towards succeeding, I'm going to be quiet and watch, and let that success be their own. If a child begins to struggle, I'm going to observe and see what tools the child is using to overcome the struggle- are they trying to do it differently, are they thinking through the problem, are they being safe with their bodies, etc.? When I observe, I can begin to see patterns in how they manage struggle.
It’s important to remember that there’s nothing inherently wrong with struggle. Learning comes from struggle. This is where we learn to problem solve. But if a child starts to get frustrated during a step in the task, I want to provide some guidance. So I'm looking for that struggle shifting to frustration (or disinterest). When Levi was trying to climb on the stool with the yogurt in his hand, I let him try three or four times. I only stepped in when he started to lose interest and began to walk away.
Over time, it becomes easier to see these moments if you know to watch for them. Observation is a great tool to learn when your child is shifting from struggle to frustration, or struggle to success. I find it really helpful to observe my own child, Xavi, working on his own, and also observing when my husband, Tommy, steps in to help him with a task. Tommy and I both observe each other, and we have found a way to gently help each other learn where to move in and where step back. It's not always easy to take criticism, but having a partner observe and provide feedback can be really helpful in seeing where improvement can happen.
Another piece of observation is self-observation. Start to notice when you have the urge to step in. Is it because the child needs some guidance, or is it because you want to keep them from struggling? When you want to do something for your child instead of encouraging them to do it for themself, is it because the child is unable to do it, or because it's something you've always done without question for them? When we start to see where we are stepping in too freely, we can see where we may be preventing our children from opportunities to experience autonomy. And with autonomy comes self-confidence, and a desire to continue exploration.
Starting to question yourself is a good way to do this work. Can I let my child do this? Should I ask my child to get his own socks from the drawer next time instead of walking into his room and getting them for him? Should I stand here in the entryway and ask my child to get his socks from the drawer all the way in his room? Why do I feel the need to walk into the bedroom with him to retrieve the socks? Can I wait quietly and allow him to do this to the best of his ability without any verbal instruction or reinforcement? When I spoke, did it help my child complete the task, or hinder his focus? Does he need more support? Less? These are questions I'm always asking. This helps me be a more astute observer of myself and of a child's abilities.
OTHER THOUGHTS ON “HELPING” CHILDREN WITH TASKS
As a general rule, I try not to do for them what they may (safely) try to do for themselves. I wouldn't let most young toddlers attempt to take toast out of the toaster oven, because most don’t have enough control over their actions to do that without getting burned. You know your child better than anyone. With observation, you may feel your child is ready for this task. If it were my own child, I might try that, but when I am the nanny for someone else's child, my safety boundaries are more careful.
A lot of what toddlers do is making mistakes and messes. It's important to plan ahead for this. My job makes it possible for me to slow down and solely do the work with the child - taking five minutes to do with someone else something I could do in five seconds by myself. As a mother, this is different. I am not always as patient with the messes and the time that is consumed in the constant experimentation. I have a lot to do. So when you find yourself engaged in practicing step-by-step tasks with your child, it is critical that you have the time to walk through it with them.
One thing I know I do is when I start to let my child do something on his own and then I realize we're going to miss our train if we don't get out the door in five minutes and I can see that this task is going to take 15 minutes. That scenario causes endless frustration for the child. There must be time for meticulous care, focus, and completion of the task. In my experience, if I am unable to provide that time, I will do the task myself and offer an apology or brief explanation for why I am taking that moment away from them.
It's important not to correct when a child is about to make a mistake. The result of tipping the plate in your hands is that the toast falls off and onto the floor. If we stop the child before it happens, or tell them it is going to happen, we are showing that we do not trust that the child can manage it. Also, if we correct, it does not provide the natural consequence of the action. The natural consequence is the best learning experience. Then we can wait and see if the child picks up the fallen toast and puts it back on the plate. If not, we can step in and gently remind the child that the toast has fallen, and assist with picking it up.
One lesson at a time. If the lesson is walking to the table with a plate of toast and the toast falls onto the floor, I wouldn't correct or distract from the task of getting the toast to the table by telling the child there are crumbs on the floor after they have picked up the toast. If the child gets the toast back onto the plate, I will quietly wipe up the crumbs behind them as they walk away. One goal at a time. One singular focus at a time. One lesson at a time.
"Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed."
- Dr. Maria Montessori